As my name suggests, I was once wild. 

Free on a journey of evolution, running parallel to yours. 

As you stare at me, attempting to understand me, know that I wasn’t always this beautiful. 

This location, this light, this atmosphere and these people may only come and bless me once. 

This is precisely why I choose to stay here. Observing life from a safe distance through a camera keeping me protected from whatever reality it is that I fear.

Behind the door lies all the problems; and all the answers.

But am I brave enough to walk through?

I often find myself excited by all that I am yet to experience. I find my mind quickly ascends to all that could be, as I become lost in a dizzy vision of the future, before fear rises, replacing what could be with what was—essentially, replacing the hope of the future with the regret of the past.

Like the flashing light of a distant city that is viewed through the dirty windows of a speeding train, dreams on the horizon can pass by far too fast. 

I'm sure you can appreciate what I'm saying. The flash of brilliance you had in a moment of quiet reflection, the idea that would change your future, now looks like the distant light of a passing city you forgot to explore.

There are things you know, things you believe and understand that I never will. Maybe this is the reason you stop me in my tracks, take my breath away, and leave me in awe.

As my name suggests, I was once wild. 

Free on a journey of evolution, running parallel to yours. 

As you stare at me, attempting to understand me, know that I wasn’t always this beautiful. 

A simple walk down an unknown road, radiating a mysterious energy, pulling me towards an unseen destination. I surrender to this feeling quickly, which I have experienced many times before, as these tiny adventures remind me what life is all about.

The twists and turns that led me here cease, revealing the slow-paced hustle and bustle of a rich market life reality, kissed by the last rays of the distant sun.

You’re leaving me.

I need to know why; I need to understand.

Yet, I get the feeling that this may never be possible.

The search for purpose in this world can be blessed with great triumphs as if we are breaking through insurmountable barriers. Yet, it can also be fraught with bewildering pitfalls.

For many reasons, our purpose, our reason for being blessed with this life, can unconsciously lead to a feeling of guilt and a deep-seated moral sense of debt, as if you owe someone something for the life you have seemingly been gifted.

A while ago, I did something I never thought I would; I joined a mens group!

The truth is that for a while, it felt good and served its purpose; I would even describe it as helpful on occasions. But then I started to notice a worrying pattern; week after week, the same issues would surface, the same conversations would be had leading to the same results.

Sunrise, without a doubt, is one of the most stunning and peaceful times of the day.For me, it has no equal.

An elegant moment where the darkness recedes and is replaced with the gift of warm light dancing on the horizon.

How can what made you feel like you belong, now make you feel so alienated?

Waking to the pure stillness of the pre-dawn light, I stood silently, confronted by the mirror's distant figure. My tired features appear worn down by the pursuits of life, my scared gaze, holding onto the distant yet fading memory of a brave life.

The freedom to be, rebel and embrace what is true to you can feel somewhat isolating, but it is your truth.

For all, I knew we were a family just like any other. 

Mum worked as a nurse and then came home to work as a mum; my dad worked in the sheet metal trade and then came home and worked as a dad.

I am tired.

I’m so tired of the knuckle bleeding, bone-breaking fight against a reality I still fail to understand.

I feel like I am standing at a crossroad yet only have three choices. The left, the right and the centre, as where I have come from no longer holds any appeal.

Relevance, perspective, expectations seem to all be one of a kind. A virtual minefield laid out before you, waiting in silence for one wrong move. A move that is essentially inevitable as we journey through the maze of life’s ever-changing landscape.

The sounds of the city awakening are the times I love to meander slowly, explore, learn and forget.

It’s only now, with my reality softened by the forced reflection of loss, can I see what you had to offer.

How do I let go yet still hold on?

How do I love you now that you’re gone?

The storms that created you are exotic, mighty and of course, immensely destructive. I have to admit they fascinate me, as I find powerful storms mirror our extreme life realities.

Like nature's storms, ours arrives without warning wreaking havoc, chaos and sometimes destruction. Reshaping our now before departing as quickly as they arrived. Rendering a new beginning unseen before the power of the storm was fully realised.

What is missing?

What is it that makes you so sad, so scared, that stops you from seeing all that is and all that can be?

What is missing?

I am the problem.