Me

How can what made you feel like you belong, now make you feel so alienated?

Waking to the pure stillness of the pre-dawn light, I stood silently, confronted by the mirror's distant figure. My tired features appear worn down by the pursuits of life, my scared gaze, holding onto the distant yet fading memory of a brave life.

Who was this man, staring back at me? He looked like me, he felt like me, he even thought like me, yet for some unknown reason, he was a stranger, trapped in a reality that seemed harder to understand with every passing day.

There was no escaping a reflection that had morphed into reality. The time had come to confront a long-overdue concept that could no longer be ignored.

Who the hell am I?

An impossible question to answer without first understanding the journey that leads to this point. 

Walking away from formal education was a blur of decisions that I was ill-equipped to understand. I knew I had to get a job as further education was to be avoided at all costs. But I had no real idea, no long-term plan, no sustainable path.

I was just another dyslexic kid, trying to work out the transition from teenager to adult. Just another kid, trying, failing, not giving a fuck, and trying again. A process without purpose.

Then one day, Lady Luck shone on my skinny little shoulders, and a so-called purpose discovered me. I stumbled across an opportunity; little did I know that this opportunity would define the rest of my life.

I somehow landed a job in the media industry. With no skills other than the self-belief of youth, I was now a production assistant. I began almost below the bottom, but even as I pushed a broom across a cold and unfamiliar studio floor, I had a growing feeling that amongst these social misfits is precisely where I belong.

As I quietly went about my given tasks, I started to understand that the energy I was feeling was the collective pulse that created productions, living life based on the truth of their carefully weighted creative decisions.

Being accepted into a world where the' you're not qualified concept' was replaced by the concept of making creative and insightful decisions, guided by little more than innate intuition; a perfect fit for my foreseeable future.

Looking back at these humble beginnings, a single thought remains that my young years could not fully comprehend. I had discovered a language that I might never fully understand, yet a language that I seemed to be well versed in. 

I discovered the powerful language of visual storytelling.

Standing here, recalling fading memories, I could never have imagined where this simple discovery would lead me. I was young, my thinking constrained by the lessons of tradition, by the stories that had been passed to me and had unknowingly become my own.

My vivid imagination was too immature to see a future that spanned the globe, working with and learning from relentlessly brave and talented pioneers. Influential individuals who saw refusal as a minor setback intuitively understanding that mistakes were the cost of perfection.

I chased this dream. I traveled the world doing what I loved, for great reward and significant cost.

I rode my luck, worked my ass off, pushed through the fear, and made friends with the fact that the industry I stumbled into embraced brave decisions and rewarded risk. An industry that allowed leaders to lead, even if the path was unclear.

Looking into the mirror of the nostalgic past reminds me of a first love that may not have been perfect, may not have been healthy, but was mine. Yet the mirror has a way of revealing the truth, and in the cold hard light of day, I have to admit that this journey was far from perfect. Ebbing and flowing with all the rises and falls you might expect from a life lived where risk was a valued currency. 

It has been thirty years of doubt, delight, and despair since I first found myself pushing a broom around a studio that held the allure of the unknown.

Thirty years of living as a commercial director, plying my talents to the highest bidder, risking the perception of reputation every time I said, "Yes, I can make that," and living by the sword when it failed. 

I thought I was living my dream, yet like life leaving a deflated soul, the driving desire and self significance of this lifestyle began to fade.

While I tried to distance myself from this uncomfortable view, it only seemed to grow in strength, gaining power with every passing moment. Seemingly engulfing the facade of what I was doing was important; and leaving the hollow view of reality, which was fast becoming a good friend. A view that I knew existed but was willing to ignore in favour of the known safety.

The reality I faced was shockingly simple. My career had become my identity. I was lost to myself, to my dreams, to my desires. The very career that made me feel like I belonged now held me hostage to a future that would never be.

This simple acknowledged yet unfamiliar fear rushed to the surface-bound by truth. At that moment, I knew I had to face the future with the same acceptance and risk that had shaped the past. 

It was time to start listening to me. Not the so-called successful director, but the illusion of a man staring back at me in the mirror. It was time for a change, no matter how confronting and uncomfortable this change may be.

I had to accept that my career did not define me. I needed to understand that life is in constant flux, and this should influence my greater goals. I needed to embody that the very thinking that allowed me to thrive could now be holding me back, and I had to know that the passion I have for the stories I hold dear could be used for more than I ever imagined. 

Once you have tasted success and dined on its rewards, a life without it could be viewed as barren or brave. I needed to find a way to live life bravely once again, as the existence I faced was at best barren.

Years of small steps and tiny realisations have lead me to this moment, this truth. Understanding and accepting that who I was yesterday has little bearing on tomorrow, and these life-shaping observations will never end, evolving with me over time.

As I walk away to face a new day, the possibility of the future beats inside me like a drum, calling me to action, governed by a single concept.

To create my truth. 

My journey is in many ways unremarkable, just a life, perhaps not dissimilar to yours.

I have done my best, and that is all I can ask of myself.