It was 9 pm when I switched off the bedside lamp and allowed the unfamiliar hotel room to become bathed in darkness. As the minutes slowly ticked by, my mind began to wonder about the challenge that lay ahead.

As always, this familiar moment was accompanied by a feeling of apprehension as I closed my eyes and beckoned sleep. All of my research had made it crystal clear that Mt Raung was known for being a harsh taskmaster and far more technical than anything I was used to. Let's be honest - I am an old trekker, not a climber.

My excitement continued to escalate as I traveled along a tight, twisting road that cut a suede through the thickening fog that had engulfed the stunning Mt Bromo region. As the miles drifted by, the temperature continued to drop.

Yet, not even the cool, moist winds that now lashed my face could dampen my anticipation for an encounter I had been looking forward to for as long as I had been coming to Indonesia. 

I remember the first time I laid eyes on you. You felt like a vivid vision of distant beauty, a vision I was drawn to, one that I could not deny.

I stood on the summit of Mt Agung as the sun rose, blanketing the low-lying cloud that separated us in the divine colors of a new dawn. You appeared as a towering silhouette, dwarfing all that surrounded you. You sat majestically alone and resonated a peace that attracted the curious. It was our first encounter, but you consumed my thoughts as I descended. An itch was ignited, an itch I knew I would have to scratch.

From the first time I climbed you and stood on the lower summit looking up at your actual peak, I knew I would be back. It wasn't the peak or the challenge I desired.

It was simply to sit with you on your ultimate throne and experience your embrace as the night sky slowly faded, giving way to a new dawn and the wondrous possibilities that lie ahead. 

A cloaked valley of pending shadows focused my attention on you. A wondrous tower of gentle strength, kissed by the last light of a perfect day.

To this moment, I still don’t understand why I feel such a strong and instant connection to you, as if in a blinding flash you showed me; and I understood love, giving, and gratitude.

Reading a book illuminated by only the gentle flicker of candlelight allowed me to lose myself in another's thoughts. As the mesmerising light danced across the page, their distant world emerged in my quiet reality.

However, as I read this beautiful story, I have to admit my thoughts begin to drift to the new dawn approaching; and all the possibilities that accompany it.

The thought started like many others, just an annoying niggle in my neck on a long ride. As the miles amassed, so did the pain. Nothing too unusual, just a man of many years living with the concept of the older you get, the better you were.

Halfway through the journey, the pain became stressful; the stress became frustrating, which was now negatively affecting a challenge I have grown to love.

The peaceful moments we share before dawn are the ones that remain vivid in my fading memory. The ones I recall to escape to you, the ones that resonate deep within me, the ones that I treasure most. 

The night's fading cool breeze births this emotive connection as the warmth of the first light and subtle beauty of the coming day begins to emerge.

The freedom of my mind can be a dangerous double-edged sword.

It feels like a beacon for my truth,  what needs to be said,  what needs to be done. However, my harsh assessment of reality can seem somewhat overwhelming for others, verging on downright offensive. 

We built this intentionally, but do we like it?

At face value, this is the dream. An anonymous existence accepted by all. Proud ownership of possessions, exhibiting our success and importance; surrounded by protective walls to exclude those we have been taught to fear most.

When did we allow this strange four-letter word to gain so much power? Are we even aware we did? When did its seemingly immense power become an uncontrollable force in a life that was once so simple? Laughter and joy were consistent friends as we explored life experiences, growing through each moment without fear.

The sweetest moments of my life always occur when I am moving slowly enough to see and feel the breathtaking beauty that lies in plain sight.

But moving beyond the profound beauty and discovering the unique textures of life are the very ingredients that leave me in stunned silence.

You and I share a space. A marginalised view of personal truth - isolating, frightening, lonely.

I looked to you and felt a bond of sorrow, hidden self-pity, self-loathing. We seemed to care but knew it was irrelevant, for our expression of divisive care fell in silence in favour of popular simplicity.

It was a cold dawn. 

The sun did not shine. The sky was heavy with clouds. The mountains were quiet, and for a heartbeat, we were alone with just our thoughts. 

I will pass, and you will continue on, without me, as if I never really existed, mattered, such is our journey.

The first steps always seem to be taken in the dead of night. They are always filled with self-doubts, nervous energy and always accompanied by thoughts of what may be.

And so the search begins.

I was taking a break while on a long walk. Sitting quietly poolside at some average resort. When I overheard a conversation, that took me by surprise.

A young man at the end of the pool was looking at me while talking to his friends. He said, "let's play a game, who can guess what the lonely old man is thinking"?

I stand here amazed at life, in awe of its beautiful balance. The very thought of this balancing act leaves me speechless because of the simple fact that if one element were missing, the entire system would suffer. Somehow nature's elements understand that the combined power of their parts is greater than their potential as an individual. 

Are we at the beginning, the middle, or the end?

How would we ever know?

Life in many ways seems like a graceful dance, a stroll from moment to moment, milestone to milestone.

I smiled to myself at the moment of realisation that the very thing that makes you so spectacular, so visceral, so undeniably drawing, is, in essence, just drifting through.

What I am witnessing at this very moment is unique and will never exist again.