After The End

It has been over a 1000 days since I last left my humble home in Bali to travel internationally. I almost feel embarrassed to admit this fact as I am, or rather was, a person used to constant International travel. But as the world's borders began to open up, and vast swathes of the population started rushing back towards the memory of a life they had spent 2 years pining after, I found myself looking the other way. Taking the time to consider what I wanted to do and how I wanted to live, questioning every action and decision that had brought me to this moment.

The truth was that I was in no rush, and therefore the answers came slowly, yet they were clear and left little grey area to indulge in. The simple truth I had to make peace with was that I was not looking forward to heading back to the way things were, and every moment of self-reflection confirmed that I didn't like the way things were. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself. I was just another being caught in the spin cycle of life and achievement, blindly playing my part, traveling from port to port, taking what I believed I deserved, leaving very little of actual worth. 

It was a confronting reflection that I tried to evade, yet with every question I asked came a reply that added weight to what was quickly becoming an indefensible argument. Change was needed, new beginnings beckoned, and trusted old habits needed to be jettisoned. At the age of 50, I needed to start again, but start with the knowledge that what I now desired was a life of joy and fulfillment, a life of rich experience that could only be earned. For me, an entirely new way of existence was hard to convey and, for others, extremely hard to believe.

I boarded the flight and touched down in what felt like a parallel universe in a few short hours. Kuala Lumpur seemed fun and exciting, yet I didn't feel connected to it and what it had to offer. It was day 1, and I guess fear was driving my feelings and interactions. The truth was all I could think about was doing what needed to be done and getting back to the life I had chosen. Please don't get me wrong; I love seeing family, the city, and the convenience of purchasing what you need. It was easy, and it was all at the tip of your fingertips. You didn't have to work for it; you just had to trade your unique dreams for the accepted understanding of the masses. 

The first few days of existing in a city felt like a blur of unwanted stimulation. The conversations I was engaged in felt like they were years past their use-by dates. I felt unneeded, misunderstood, and irrelevant, like an outcast who believed that life could be lived differently but lacked the answers to the questions powered by doubt and that strange feeling of fearing change in favour of choosing the comfort of knowing. Even when knowing was the chains that kept you shackled to a place of dormant existence. A place where dreams go to die, and nightmares flourish in the absence of the life you always desired.

None of it was extraordinary or even unexpected; it just was what it was. The world had changed in many ways, and the world had not changed in the slightest. Life in the so-called fast lane still seemed to thrive on the concept that whoever has the most is fulfilled, whoever has the best is more valuable, and whoever spoke the loudest was more evolved. It was exactly as it had always been, but the truth was that I had changed, not for the better or the worse, just changed to feel more aligned with what was important to me. 

I guess it may have appeared like I had become a little antisocial as I sat and experienced all of the moments that make up life with the smallest of smiles. Knowing that I will leave the city soon, knowing that it has been beautiful to see family and friends, but also knowing that this lifestyle is no longer for me. But what is right for me is only that and nothing more. Just as I accept my new direction and path moving forward, I will also accept my family and friends' paths. 

As I settled into a window seat and bid KL farewell, I was happy to be moving forward again towards the uncharted waters of a life lived in the moment. It is never how I saw my future playing out, but it is a future that I have embraced and will continue to pursue. As it is a future that, above all, fills me with joy and excitement.