The elegant sounds of the Sape drifted skywards from the mist cloaked mountains of Kalimantan's pristine rain forests. A moment of immense natural beauty, allowing my mind the freedom needed to wander towards questions, which often have no answers.

 To name just a few that rattle around my mind, I wonder why we strive forward on a path of inevitable sacrifice without the vaguest concept of where we are going? And I question why we desperately seek the approval of everyone for everything? I consider why we have made our simple existence so complicated? And I ponder, has this endless cycle of undeciphered delusion become our broken rudder, ensuring we align with what we least desire?

Their very first breath signals a subtle change that every parent knows deep in their soul. The smallest of vibrations erupts in the universe, creating a stake in the ground where the immediate and distant future will be viewed from.

The clock is ticking, and for the first time in your life, you begin to understand that this journey is not only about you. From this point on, the good and bad, the joy and sorrow, the elation and despair will be shared, felt, and remembered by those who have arrived to share the journey of life.

The masked cries for help are the words I choose to listen to closest. They are hard to hear, as the chatter of happiness often disguises them, by the attitude of ‘I will be okay’; by the shame of needing help.  

I don’t listen to these cries because I need to help or because I am looking for answers from the spouting fountain of knowledge that sits before me. Instead, I listen for what is not being said because I find the truth of any moment lies between the words, like a profound book of knowledge sitting on the shelf, gathering dust, still unread, unloved.

It is you, I see, lost in the now, free from the past, unconcerned with what may be.

It is you, I see.

A vision the reminds me of all that can be, 

all that is worth sacrificing for.

It is you, I see.

The journey was exciting; it always is.

I undertook the challenge to live outside my comfort zone. This challenge leads to new life experiences, which unearthed new realisations and let me discovered yet another piece of my complicated self.

I remember what no one seems to talk about anymore.

I remember a childhood spent in our traditional home, surrounded by the pristine rainforests of Kalimantan. I remember the laughter, the love, the learning as traditions were passed through actions from one generation to the next.

The conversation went something like this.

Jon:

“Happy Birthday, Sweetheart”

Steph looking at me suspiciously.

At face value, having a so-called purpose in life seems like a great idea when you are searching for something greater than yourself to live for without exploring the internal pit of self for that something.

Yet having a purpose in life, having all your eggs in one basket, could be an ultimately flawed existence. Simply because once you set yourself a higher purpose, you automatically set an expectation of reaching it. 

I have heard your story before,

It sometimes feels as if I have lived my life alongside you.

Your tales have allowed us to rejoiced together in the ups of life and recoiled in the downs. Our conversations have been full of silent moments, a space neither of us felt the need to fill. But as we have grown together, I find the need to ask a question of myself.  

Can you hear your heart? 

Its joy. 

Its fear. 

Its strength.

If there were no red dress, no beautiful location, could you sit as I do, alone with all you have done? The good, the bad, the indifferent. 

How can we ever really be whole when we insist on dissecting ourselves into sections to find things that are wrong, things that are right?

We all do it.

My heart is strong, but my mind is weak.

My mind is strong, but my body lets me down.

The list goes on and on, like a river of sorrowful excuses cascading from a waterfall.

I don’t want to be special.

I just want to be me.

I would rather slowly earn my thoughts through experience over time, than be programmed with a so called gift, calling, purpose, that makes me believe, think and act in a certain way.

Rest dear soul, 

its been a long journey, 

yet you have only just reached the beginning.

When life is still, do you ever find your mind wandering back towards yesteryear, only to explore the friendships that were so important? The same friendships that seemed to dissolve as time marched relentlessly forward.

I often think about Barry, Robert, Anthony, Nuts, and more boys acting like men who shared some of life’s most critical moments. The moments that shaped the future which will never be spoken about in public but will be remembered through a knowing smile.

Are you worthy of what you desire?

Can you live with the concept that your true path might lead you to unpopular places, mis-understood adventures, and moments of significant self-doubt.

Can you live with the reality of who you are because what you truly desire in life may just come at the cost of other's expectations? 

Do you care?

I see you.

The real you.

The strong woman with the sensitive heart.

The scared soul, ready to take on the world.

Please don’t bless me with your wisdom. Instead, allow me the needed years to discover my own.

Under the grace of your guidance, allow me to make my own mistakes, learn my lessons that, as time passes, become the foundation of who I am. 

Could it be true that the darkest places in your soul hide a truth that keeps your journey towards the light focused?

This thought may seem like a shot out of the dark that you feel the need to deny. But please don’t fear these dark places, these shadowy thoughts, as they are part of you.

We seem to have designed a tough life, an impossible existence of ever moving forward. Hoping one day to obtain what is largely unobtainable.

Peace, happiness, security, love, knowing, the list goes on.

As I travel, watching the world go by through my tainted view, I see countless examples of excruciating hard lives, abundant in the lost stares of those who once had a dream. But have seemed to settle for a reality of a different nature.

We fought, I was fighting for us, you were fighting for anything but.

But as I stood facing the ashes of our investment, I knew our fragmented relationship was unraveling at an express speed, as if caught in an uncontrollable vortex, a clash of unlovable wills.