Just Me

Are you worthy of what you desire?

Can you live with the concept that your true path might lead you to unpopular places, mis-understood adventures, and moments of significant self-doubt.

Can you live with the reality of who you are because what you truly desire in life may just come at the cost of other's expectations? 

Do you care?

The night this photograph was taken stands out in my mind like a lightning bolt that struck me between the eyes. I asked my driver to take me to a place that he has never taken a tourist before. He smiled and said, “really?"; I matched his knowing smile and nodded.

Twenty minutes later, traveling through Jakarta's less known streets lead to a place with a strange appeal. My instant reaction was sadness as the passing car's headlights lit up those who call the night home.

But this was just the beginning, and things got worse, a lot worse as the passing cars began to stop and the people who walk the streets began to perform. The moment reminded me of some strange human circus performance. A vehicle ordinarily full of young men pulls up, money is handed through a window, and a shirt or skirt would be lifted. Cheap thrills that did little but demean the performers who seemed all but numb to the nightly experience.

I have been around the world a few times, yet my experiences still fell short of understanding what I now seemed involved in. I had no option but to ask my driver what the hell was going on. 

He looked a little worried but ended up explaining that the woman on the street where boys and the young and wealthy of this city got their kicks, making them perform for a few dollars. 

This didn't compute in my head. For as far as the eye could see, I saw women, all shapes and sizes, but they were women.

I was compelled to get out of the car, as always searching for a connection I didn't yet understand. I approached one of the women and began a conversation. 

She was shy, not used to talking to what she saw as a client; in a heartbeat, we both knew that our expectations of each other were vastly different from anything we had experienced before. This in no way makes me better or nobler; I paid the woman for the picture you see, yet I tried to see her beauty, void of my expectations. But still, I was doing precisely what everyone else was doing, maybe even worse.

The night stayed with me for a long time. It seemed to come back from time to time as if this brief encounter had some greater lesson attached, something my narrow view could not quite see at the moment.

A world away from the harsh streets where this photo was taken, I found myself in what seemed like a battle to the death with someone I love. The fight raged to heights rarely seen, and then as quickly as it erupted, it dissipated, leaving all involved hurt and confused.

The air cleared, and the conversation began. It appeared that we both had expectations of the other. How to be a good husband, be a good wife, and be a good lover. Yet, we had never once clearly expressed these expectations.

As the penny dropped, we both hung our heads in realisation, how could anyone meet our expectations if we never expressed them. The person I loved was flying blind, as was I. As if struggling through mountainous terrain with absolutely no guidance at all.

A simple thought struck me like a right cross to the chin. If I expected things, I was, in essence, closing off the beauty of all that was there in favour of what I desired, without a concern for the person I loved.

I had no choice but to start living a life free from expectation. For if I could let go of that, I would never be disappointed again. 

A lesson I am still learning.