Innocence

When life is still, do you ever find your mind wandering back towards yesteryear, only to explore the friendships that were so important? The same friendships that seemed to dissolve as time marched relentlessly forward.

I often think about Barry, Robert, Anthony, Nuts, and more boys acting like men who shared some of life’s most critical moments. The moments that shaped the future which will never be spoken about in public but will be remembered through a knowing smile.

The last time I saw Barry, he was getting into a car drunk, planning to drive three hours no matter what I said. My final moments with Robert were witness to the hard blows of life, and my farewell with Nuts was a confession of a life lived in an unhappy marriage.

Did it work out ok for my friends?

How do I not know the answers?

In these quiet times where my mind seems to wander like a slow-moving river, I feel a mixture of joy and regret. The happiness of the moment floods me with the rose-colored memories of all we shared, the regret I feel rises as I sit alone with the thought that I should have done more to remain friends, to stay in contact, to stay present for friends that meant so much.

Sure, we all change, evolve, and take different paths. But is that a good enough reason to lose touch? I still care about these friends, but sadly I replaced them with new shiny acquaintances that served my immediate needs. I replaced them as conveniently as they replaced me.

There is no blame for this familiar story, nor is there a resolution that can justify my actions. There are only the sweet memories of a childhood that linger on the breeze, just as our laughter did before we left each other, for good.