The Best Of Me
Their very first breath signals a subtle change that every parent knows deep in their soul. The smallest of vibrations erupts in the universe, creating a stake in the ground where the immediate and distant future will be viewed from.
The clock is ticking, and for the first time in your life, you begin to understand that this journey is not only about you. From this point on, the good and bad, the joy and sorrow, the elation and despair will be shared, felt, and remembered by those who have arrived to share the journey of life.
This simple first breath signals a change in life that will at times feel like the most challenging task you've ever attempted. Yet, in the blink of an eye will also feel like a prize you may not deserve; such is the privilege of parenting.
When this moment was bestowed upon me, it's fair to say that I was largely unprepared. I hadn't read the books, done the research, or embraced long discussions about what was to come. In many ways, I regarded myself as a blank canvas, open to the experience with little expectation, yet bubbling just below the surface ran a river of apprehension.
With little knowledge of what a father was meant to do, I decided to rethink the situation and, in turn, discovered a process that might sound unusual. Still, this thinking allowed me a path forward, free from the expectation of what should be.
I became of the opinion that this precious little being could teach me the way forward. A journey down a bumpy road would force change when necessary, acceptance when needed, and sacrifice for something greater than yourself and your desires.
I never signed up for the father of the year competition, as I knew from the outset that it was a futile exercise in inevitable failure. The truth is that I could have tried harder to play the game, but that game made no sense to me. I was a simple guide for this tiny soul, nothing more, nothing less, and so our journey began.
I was far from perfect; many would agree. I was away too often and missed many important events. My ugly truth was I decided my career was more important than my family.
A painful mistake that held an abundance of guilt and regret that I alone must own. Yet slowly, this soul free from judgment pierced my armour with a gaze of love, need, and acceptance. Her desire for her father allowed me to view life from a different perspective.
The time we spent together was, in truth, one of my greatest teachers. It may seem hard to believe, but this little bundle of complications saved me on more occasions than I care to remember, and the lessons this innocence taught have stayed with me for a lifetime.
Through time spent together and learning from each other, she taught me to listen without having a predetermined answer. She taught me that fear is real, and actions mean more than words. She taught me how to be there, even if I was miles away. Yet, the most beautiful lesson she taught me was that to honour what she could become; I would have to face the stories of my past and leave them behind to safeguard our future.
None of these lessons were learned in a moment. It was more like a creeping vine, taking its own path to the light that was, in essence, its life source.
From her first breath, I felt she was a powerful force with a deep determination. She had a strength that perhaps we are all born with, yet somehow dissipates as life's expectations build. Our early years together gave me an inkling of the path we would share. My role was to be there, to listen, to help her find her own answers, and to not influence her outcome by preaching the rose-colored memories of the past.
The path I chose was right for me, yet my way was full of mistakes, and I didn't want these mistakes, fears, and regrets to become her stories.
This was the toughest part of our journey because life experience teaches you that certain actions will create painful outcomes. But who was I to insert my beliefs, which are in essence just my stories? So I would listen, hold her tight when she needed it and let her fly when she desired. A journey that ebbed and flowed, seemingly controlled by an unseen force that can keep you awake at night pondering tomorrow.
Our relationship is far from perfect. We continue to test, challenge, and push each other to find the strength to do it better, which has allowed us to write our own stories together, free from the prejudice of the past and with a gaze to a shared future of hope and meaning.
It's fair to say that Kira and I have a friendship that I could have never imagined when I first held her in my arms. Our relationship is not a typical father and daughter concept, yet I know through the conversations we share that we are present for each other, a destination I could have never dreamed of.
Years have passed since that first vibration was sent through my universe. Friends, school, boyfriends, and social pressure have all come and gone. But when I look into her eyes, I know I am in the presence of the same powerful soul that I held all those years ago.
The ups and downs of life have been predictably immense, and I'm confident they will continue mimicking our journey. We have learned to listen, expect nothing, and find the light even in the darkest places.
So why is this photo titled 'The Worst of Me; The Best of Me'? Well, that's simple. She saw me at my worst and had the strength of character to love beyond what I saw. She watched, listened, supported beyond her years until I could become what she always saw - the best of me.
Thank you, Kira, for the most beautiful lesson.