2022 A Camera For Company

As I sat down to write the story of 2022, I thought I knew how it would start. Something like 2022 was a year like so many others. But as the words spilled onto the page, a nagging feeling overwhelmed me. A sense that beckoned me to explore the truth of the statement I had just written.

Was 2022 really like so many other years? This simple question made me pause and led me to review the photos I intended to post. Slowly, as I flicked through the series of images, a realisation began to dawn. The cold hard truth staring back at me was that 2022 was a year like no other.

I let this thought clatter between my ears for a few days while I tried to discover why 2022 was so different. Why did it seem to stand out as a year that marked the start of a new beginning on a well-trodden path?

It took a while for the answer to arrive, but when it did, it landed with a clarity that I am starting to take for granted.

Like so many others, the last couple of years altered my outlook at my core. The change was so significant that, in many ways, I am still attempting to explore and comprehend its greater meaning.

This seismic shift made me question if what I did as a profession really mattered as much as I had led myself to believe. As the phone stopped ringing, it made me question my value, and as scripts passed me by in favor of younger creatives, it made me doubt my worth, and as the lonely emotion of change penetrated my pores, it made me ponder my very existence.

This period of my life was not what I would call a fun and carefree existence, in-fact it was anything but. The longer I sat with these feelings, the more an undeniable truth started to emerge, and for the first time in my life, I could not outrun the sinking feeling that accompanied it. As time passed and the uncomfortable feeling remained, I was left with little choice. It was time to make some rather significant life choices, whether I was ready or not. Or life would make the choices for me.

I chose to cut ties and, in essence, abandon the life I had worked so hard to build in favour of following my heart and trusting my intuition, wherever that may lead. I did everything in my power to stop caring about the perception of being seen as successful; I made the conscious decision to disconnect from all that had kept me static for far too long in a lifestyle that no longer served me.

I decided to throw caution to the wind and start living life driven by the beat of my drum. Come what may, I was going to find the answers to the questions which had been circling for many years. I was going to become my own social experiment, and I would have to live with the consequences, be they good or bad.

For as long as I can remember, questions and decisions like these have always seemed bigger than Ben Hur. But as I explored them one by one and began answering them with my own unique truth, I found that every one of these perceived massive questions and decisions was actually as simple as saying 'YES' to what I really wanted in life; and rejecting the things that no longer served me. As the questions and decisions mounted, I soon found myself striding forward, searching for experiences that were true to me, experiences that, in essence, made me feel alive.

Looking back on this ongoing process, I can honestly say it became easier with every decision that passed. I kept it simple: was the decision I was making the right one for me, for what I wanted to do, and for the life I wished to live? With such a simple process, the answers came thick and fast; and without a shred of regret, the answers became the ignition points for what became one of the most memorable years of my life.

The funny thing is, I didn't make anything you would have seen or reacted to, I didn't purchase anything I needed you to see, and I didn't do anything I didn't want to do. For the first time in my rather long life, I was happily disconnected from the hamster wheel of a life lived for others, free from what had driven me forward for decades. As I embraced this new and exciting lifestyle, I quickly became a somewhat self-serving man whose focus was dialed in on exactly what I desired to do.

It was an existence that took some getting used to, both for me and those around me. To others, it looked like a reckless change of direction, like a ship adrift, rudderless, and appearing out of control without a defining path forward. Yet, for me, the truth was that the safety of a direction in life seemed like an old idea, which now held very little value. Like the dated concept of a life lived between the lines of others' standards of social acceptability.

As I bounced from one adventure to the next, I felt the ever-growing and somewhat overwhelming emotion of joy expanding within me. I was lucky enough to climb more than a few seductive mountains. I traveled to exotic, far-flung destinations to experience life through others' eyes. I undertook endless long walks to see if I could finish them, watch the last glow of the setting sun kiss the world's tallest mountain, and I made time to sit with friends and listen while offering no advice. Through these and many more beautiful moments, I ensured I had a camera ever-present.

A simple object and close friend that helps quiet my mind, allowing me to focus on the exact moment I was living for no reason other than enjoying it. As the year's experiences unfolded, the thing I was not expecting to surface was the simple truth that what I really desired was to live a life with boundless freedom to experience the art of living at a cellular level.

Relatively simple in reality but a cosmic leap from how I had approached life for the last 50 years. It meant chasing tough physical challenges that required me to live in the moment, focusing only on the task at hand. In turn, allowing me the time and space to appreciate and learn from whatever experience I happened to be neck deep in; while also allowing the life I used to desire to fade gently into the distance, like a somewhat worn and deluded dream.

Looking back on the year, it has become easy to identify the catalyst for this somewhat dramatic and sudden change. It was a small moment in a bigger conversation at the time. While talking to a friend, I heard them say a phrase that ended up having a long-lasting effect on me, "I'm doing it because I can."

I had no idea why this simple phrase hit me so hard, but later that day, as I explored what I was feeling, I came to the conclusion that "because I can" was no longer a good enough reason for me to do anything. Something in that conversation ignited my desire for a more substantial understanding, and I needed to know "why."

The WHY question is often made out to be larger than it actually is. People associate the question of 'why' with grand notions of life purpose and changing the world. But as I allowed this question to roll around in the vacant recesses of my mind, I began to understand that my why was relatively simple and somewhat selfish. I discovered that I only wanted to pursue experiences that made me feel truly alive, and with that not-so-earth-shattering realization, life became a hell of a lot more fulfilling.

I want to clarify that my decisions were right for me. They were slightly selfish, self-indulgent, and self-centered. They were decisions that led to some tough challenges, both physically and mentally. My life didn't somehow transform into a constant stream of joy and adulation. That is a myth that I find a step too far.

I still had to deal with my old stories, constantly trying to fight their way into my new existence. I still had to deal with all of life's disappointments that I and others caused in our over-complicated approach to life. I needed to find a way to appear to have empathy for other issues, which I kind of did, but not to the point where I would need to get involved.

As I said, my new direction could be seen as selfish, this I understand, but for me, it was as simple as what was I going to add to an old tired discussion about a subject that didn't matter and never will? The answer was simple; there was nothing I could contribute, and wasting my time on nothing was no longer a concept I could tolerate.

Yes, my path and decisions tested me every day, and the truth is that I had days where I failed miserably, falling back into old habits and traps. Times when I traded what I knew I needed for what I thought I should be doing. And every time I failed, I learnt a harsh lesson; drifting backward to what was meant to be left behind was accompanied by an anxiety that sounded like an internal air raid siren, something to be avoided at all costs or something to be understood and used to my advantage. But right now, that feels like a lesson for another year.

As 2023 approaches, I can now look back at the decisions I made and humbly acknowledge that they were made by me, for me. The decisions were neither good or bad and life was not suddenly all roses, it never will be. But by focusing on what I wanted, even if that was not popular at the time, helped to make 2022 a memorable year that allowed me the freedom to explore a lifestyle that my soul had long pined for.

As I said, 2022 felt like a new beginning. It was a year of constant small decisions made through the prism of self that led to significant and ongoing life changes. Changes that allowed me to immerse myself in the biggest adventure I have ever experienced.

Living life exactly as I desire.

Farewell 2022.