Hostage

On the surface, it seems like a simple question. 

Are you a hostage to your thoughts?

I can’t answer this question for you, nor would I ever try. But this simple question has been a companion for my entire life. 

And maybe just like you, it is a question that I have considered, only to push away with confident disdain. As if confronting the truth may open a gulf of emotional pain that could never be crossed.

But the reality may be very different.

As much as we like to present ourselves as a well-rounded, finished article for the world to gaze at, the reality is that this well polished, success at all cost entity is more than likely just a character you have invented. An acceptable persona that people seem to like, even gravitate to.

But is it you? 

Or is that your thoughts, controlling you by fear, in essence, holding the real you hostage?

I am acutely aware of this concept as I believe that my thoughts have held me hostage, for much of my short existence. Please don’t get me wrong; this very concept made me successful, fuelled life experiences that I may have never deserved.

 But in the end, I have to admit that I was just a mute passenger to hostage-taking thoughts, that in essence became my guiding morals as I navigated the complexities of life at times with the subtlety of a sledgehammer.

But it didn’t matter, right? 

Well, as it turns out, it did matter! 

One lonely day surrounded by the trappings of success, I woke to a very lonely feeling. A feeling that seemed to be gathering in strength with every passing day. The truth is I despised this feeling, and I tried to outrun it any way I could. But the reality is that it is impossible to outrun something that lives deep within you.

The stupid thing is that this situation continued for longer than I care to admit; until the day arrived, I had to face the well of my despair. I had to take back control of my thoughts and begin to live a life that I had no reference points for.

For me, spending hours lying on a couch talking about how I was feeling and where that feeling came from wasn’t an option. So I decided to create a simple game that would hopefully ensure that I broke free from being a hostage to my thoughts.

Much to the annoyance of all, I started questioning every thought and reaction that flash through my mind; and it turns out, there were many of them. I would ask myself if the answer I was about to give was my true answer, for my greater good. And if it wasn’t, then I would change it to something that made me feel as if I was honouring myself.

A relatively straightforward process in reality, but one that worked for me. Was it plane (change to 'smooth sailing’?) sailing? Well, of course not. People that knew me seemed to like the old Jon better. He was predictable, could be convinced to do what was best for others, could be manipulated. Whereas the Jon Version 2.0 was an entirely different animal.

I tried to do what made me happy, but the truth is that I failed a lot. Remember, I was getting to know myself, so I was bound to fail, recalibrate and try again. I lost friends, but were they friends? I lost work; apparently, not everyone liked my truth, which I can understand as I have been told it can be quite a harsh truth. But in the end, it is mine, and I am comfortable with that.

The ongoing reality is that I can still become a hostage to my thoughts until this very day. I can still slide down the rabbit hole with the best of them. But now I know the way back. Sure, I might need to apologise to a few people while returning, but I will find my way back.

My life is quieter now; I have fewer friends but as I have discovered, I need fewer friends. I have moments of great doubt, moments of regret, joy, and pure happiness. I am a simple being, trying to live free from the hostage of my thoughts.