Tears

I made you cry, I hurt you, and at that moment, I saw myself.

Did I push you too far?

Was seeing my reality too much?

Would you prefer the safety of a happy life?

A happy lie?

Is this what will make us survive for yet another day, full of moments that appear to amount to nothing. Moments designed to keep us busy, keep us distracted, keep us feeling like we are moving forward.

Rock bottom is meant to set us free; what a lovely story of hope you tell and if you say it enough you may continue believing it. Continue moving forward to a moving target of self-deluded joy, free from the suppressed thoughts that make us feel our truth.

Just do what you want. I’ve heard it time and time again but what happens if what I want is a vivid reflection of exactly who I am, what I feel? Then can I do what I want, or is what I want too little, too late?

Can I convince myself that everything I’ve worked for was just a passing desire, like the drifting memory of a moment that is out of reach?

What if what I want is too much? Then somebody has to do what they don’t want and once again, I know the outcome of this story.

I have heard it, listened to it for what seems like an eternity. Maybe this is precisely what I have to look forward to? Perhaps this is the reality I need to believe? Perhaps I am out of options, of fight, left unable to see through what hangs heavily from my brow?

The unseen weight submerges me in the things I fear the most, the reality of my actions, the consequence of my happiness.