Leading Nowhere

I am tired.

I’m so tired of the knuckle bleeding, bone-breaking fight against a reality I still fail to understand.

I feel like I am standing at a crossroad yet only have three choices. The left, the right and the centre, as where I have come from no longer holds any appeal.

Yet, the endless question I ponder is which direction is the right path for me. The struggle I face may mimic yours. All the paths I choose seem to lead to the same place, where I am greeted by a slightly different tainted view of the same experiences, but in essence it always feels strangely familiar.

I don’t see this as a result of the path. Instead, I believe it is a weakness of the mind and soul. A strangely powerful beast that seems hellbent on holding me exactly where I am.

Or is this observation just another self-deluded justification keeping me so-called safe? Sparing me from the failure I may experience if I left everything behind, let go and walked through the door with open arms to whatever was waiting to greet me.

The very thought of that lives inside me as a rich contrast. It is both the most exciting thing I have ever experienced and the most fear-inducing concept I have ever considered.

I believe that the simple truth is that who I believe me to be is still deeply intertwined with what my thoughts believe I am; and do. Even when the harsh reality is that what I did and continue to do hold very little joy.

Am I choosing the pain and suffering of knowing over the perceived risk of freedom, of letting go, of having no excuses? 

So the question remains. Left, right, or centre?